


Bursting out into tears because you can’t take it anymore

by Dorthea



Series: Febuwhump 2021 [2]
Category: Black Widow (Movie 2020), Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: "i can't take this anymore", Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Awesome Natasha Romanov, BAMF Natasha Romanov, Comfort/Angst, FebuWhump2021, Good Friend Ned Leeds, Hurt Michelle Jones, Hurt Peter, Hurt Peter Parker, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, May Parker (Spider-Man) Needs a Hug, Michelle Jones Needs a Hug, Natasha Romanov Is a Good Bro, Ned Leeds Needs a Hug, Ned Leeds is a Little Shit, Not Beta Read, Parent Tony Stark, Peter Parker & Natasha Romanov Friendship, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Peter Parker Whump, Peter Parker is a Mess, Poor Peter Parker, Protective Natasha Romanov, Protective Peter Parker, Spider-Man Interacting with New Yorkers, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, Tony Stark Has Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-02
Updated: 2021-02-02
Packaged: 2021-03-13 11:40:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29152920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dorthea/pseuds/Dorthea
Summary: "I can't take this anymore" Peter whispers, “I can’t".Ned Leeds moves. May struggles with money. Tony is distant. A civilian dies in Peter's arms. And to make matter worse, MJ jumps... all in about 4.4k words.***Febuwhump 2021, day 2, "I can't take this anymore".
Relationships: May Parker (Spider-Man) & Peter Parker, Ned Leeds & Peter Parker, Peter Parker & Natasha Romanov, Peter Parker & Tony Stark
Series: Febuwhump 2021 [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2137731
Comments: 12
Kudos: 122





	Bursting out into tears because you can’t take it anymore

**Author's Note:**

> It became darker than I had planned. But... hey, that's fine. Totally fine.
> 
> Febuwhump 2021, day 2, "I can't take this anymore".

Natasha isn’t prepared to feel the rough skin, filled with acne and teen sweat meet her hand as she swings. But it does. In one swift motion, Natasha hits lands in his face. The snap is loud and obnoxious. And she feels the break underneath her knuckles as his nose dislocates.  
  
She watches as his eyes widen; a panicked breath is pull through his mouth as the pain travels through his face. And she feels the contact leave, as he takes a step backwards, stumbling over his own feet. Falling on the soft training mat beneath their feet. His hands placed against his nose and face, blood dripping on the blue fabric. Crimson red.  
  
It’s out of the ordinary. Spidey, aka Peter Parker, always ducks. His spidey sense is more than a stupid toy, but a functional tool in his toolbox. Having saved him from many gun shots, falls, hits… Really Natasha isn’t sure what it can’t save him from. That doesn’t make this any more normal.  
  
Natasha doesn’t let it face her. What kind of spy would she be, if she did? Instead, she moves to grab a ice pack from the fridge. It’s something they always keep on hand.  
  
Before she slips onto the mat next to Peter, allowing him to place the ice pack over his nose. And for the first time that day, Natasha really get’s a good look at the teen. The dark bags under his eyes, the healing cut over his right eye, the collar bone sticking out weirdly under his paper-thin skin, his wrist so small. His hair is a mess that look more like a bird nest than hair. His eyes dark, and painfully lacking any real kind of emotion.  
  
Natasha nodes to Peter with her food, “What was that?” Natasha studies Peter with her eyes. How he flinches at the light touch, how he slumps at the question. “I mean, the ultimate spider-man has his little Spidey sense. What went wrong?”. Peters eyes dart around, he sighed deeply and shrugs. Not giving anything away yet giving Natasha a hole lot to work with. “You alright?”.  
  
It’s like popping a balloon, the needle small but with so much effect. Like Peter’s been hiding his emotions for way to long, filled above his limit. And as Natasha see’s the first tears tickle down Peter’s face, she wonders how even she has missed it. The hurt look as his face. The pain in his eyes. The fear, and the sorrow, all placed there in such a young kid. And then he rasps out the words. His voice raw, and stuttering. So small that Natasha can’t hear it at first, and then as she’s about to ask what he said, he mumbles it a little louder.  
  
And those words break Natasha, as she watches. Because she knows what that’s like. And so she moves a little closer, letting her arm fall over Peter’s shoulders lightly. Doing her best to comfort the young teen.  
  
"I can't take this anymore" Peter whispers, “I can’t”.

***

_Peter reaches for the next piece, in the pile of colored squares all over aunt May’s carpet. His and Ned’s newest Lego project slowly, but surely taking form. As the boys laugh and joke. A new hope playing on the TV, the smell of Thai filling the apartment because nobody cares to clean up right then. Letting it stand in the sink for just a little longer.  
  
May is at work, having a late shift. It’s just Peter and Ned, like it’s been so many times before. Just the two of them. Spider-man and his guy in the chair. A friendship unbreakable.  
  
“Peter” Ned’s voice is sudden and unsure, an almost panicked tone, “We need to talk”.  
  
Peter let’s go of the Lego piece in his hand, the block landing in front of him on the carpet. Peter tilts his head and looks to his friend, “Sure?”.  
  
“So…” Ned starts, “I totally would have told you earlier. Okay? Trust me. But, I just didn’t know how to. I mean, how do you tell your best friend this? You don’t. And then I heard when it was going to happen, and I panicked… and I didn’t know what to do. And you know me, Peter, if I could do anything to prevent this from happening I would. But I can’t”.  
  
Peter raises a hand in front of Ned’s face, “Wow dude. Relax” Peter places a careful hand on his friends shoulder. “Breath, then talk”.  
  
“So…” Ned shakes his head, taking a deep breath. “You might need a new guy in the chair. I’m sure MJ would love to, she’s cool, and strong and chill. And… kind of scary, you know. Because… My parents they, don’t think New York is safe anymore. We’re moving back to my mom’s family. Home to the Philippines”.  
  
“You… you guys are moving?” Peter asks, not believe his own ears. His heart throbbing in his chest, his stomach tightens. “I…” Peter can feel his energy drain completely. But he pretends it doesn’t matter, making sure not to pull Ned down. “That’s so cool” Peter lies, “I’m sure you miss the Philippines. It must be amazing to move home to your family. And we’ll stay in touch. Maybe I could come visit you during winter break, Mr. Stark would love that”.  
  
Relief floats Ned’s face as Peter starts talking about everything they could do. Video chatting once a week, playing games, doing a Netflix party. About how Ned can look through the suits camera’s and still be his guy in the chair.  
  
Ned’s is filled with relief that everything will be okay. Will be fine.  
  
Peters stomach turns to stone, as he smiles and laughs with his best friend. A voice inside his head repeating the words over and over again, like Peter can’t really believe it. Ned’s moving. Ned’s moving. Ned’s moving. And Peter can do nothing about it, other than hope they’ll stay friends.  
  
Peter hopes, that he isn’t lying when he tells Ned that night, laying in each their sleeping bag, that nothing can ever tear them apart. He hopes that is the truth. But deep down he knows the reality of the situation a little too well.  
  
In a few weeks, Ned will have new friends at school. New people to play Lego with, and watch Star Wars with until late in the night. New people who he’ll be eating Pizza with and laughing with. New group mates for chemistry. New favorite books. New hobbies and activities.  
  
By this time the following year, Ned and Peter won’t talk. Only sending awkward texts to each other when their bored. He can see it for him.  
  
‘Hey dude’.  
  
‘Hi Ned’.  
  
‘How are you?’.  
  
‘Good, you?’.  
  
‘Good’.  
  
‘Cool’.  
  
‘Yeah, cool’.  
  
‘Insert awkward meme her’.  
  
Peter doesn’t tell Ned that. Hoping that if it isn’t said out loud, it won’t happen. But deep down knowing it’s inevitable. There won’t be any visits during winter break, Mr. Stark is still recovering. He doesn’t have time for silly vacations.  
  
Peter just has to deal with it.  
  
They do call each other at first. Ned sitting with his laptop, between boxes of shoes and socks. Telling stories about everything they’ve seen and all the people they’ve meet. Laughing and chatting about everything and nothing.  
  
Sure, school is lonely without Ned. But Peter is fine. In his break he’ll text Ned to say hello. After school he’ll let Ned knows as patrol starts. Some days Ned’s voice fills his ears as he fights crime, some days it doesn’t. But it’s really all the same. Peter doesn’t mind the quietness. He’s got Karen and lots of music if patrol isn’t existing enough.  
  
Being alone as Spider-man, and alone in the apartment before May comes home. That really isn’t a big deal.  
  
It is at school.  
  
Without Ned there, nobody is waiting for him at the front door ready to hug and smile and joke about. Nobody is standing next to him as he grabs his books from his locker, next to what used to be Ned’s. The faded Star Wars stickers left behind on the metal surface.  
  
At lunch, Peter feels like a lost puppet. He tries to sit with MJ. And Decathlon. He attempts to sit in the library together with a few other nerds. He talks a little to some guys from the robot club. But non of it feels right without Ned around.  
  
It only takes a few weeks before Ned stops joining him for patrol. And as his 10th message is left on read, Peter stops trying. The unfinish Lego set is dumped into a box underneath his bed together with the Star Wars collection. Out of sight, out of mind._

_***_

_“MJ, can I ask you something?”.  
  
“Sure loser”.  
  
“What happened to your arms. That looks pretty bad”.  
  
“You know, just some cat scratches”._

_***_

_May sometimes curses and swears when she thinks Peter can’t hear her. She’s done that ever since Ben died. Peter knows. He remembers watching through the half open door, as May would sit over the bills cursing at herself at night when Peter should have been asleep. Her colorful language was an interesting combination of English, Italian and something Peter didn’t know.  
  
He knows that May struggles with Money for them. It isn’t easy to feed a superhuman teenager like Peter. It a lot of food, which cost a lot of money. And even without he knows, May would be struggling to keep up.  
  
Her cursing became more frequent in the months after the blip.  
  
There goes a little longer before Peter can get new shoes. His jeans sits a litter tighter than they should. And a few of his t-shirts are filled with holes. But he doesn’t complain.  
  
They stop getting takeout altogether, every meal is homecooked or bought at school. The snack cabinet is empty, they switch to a cheaper soap, May goes without a winter jacket at December roles around and the snow falls down.  
  
Peter does what he can to help out. That 20 dollars bill he finds on the street goes to May’s grocery jar. That 3 dollars an older lady gives Spider-man does too. Soon he skips lunch at school, allowing money for his school lunches to go into the jar as well. He watches the neighbor’s kid when he’s gotten a little extra time. He walks Mr. Garcia’s two big dogs after school. He the newly married couple move in across the street, his strength working well for the work. He eats less for dinner at night, and some mornings he skips breakfast. He stops taking hot showers at home, and only does so after P.E at school.  
  
It doesn’t do much, but it does a little at least.  
  
He sells his old camera when May get’s sick with a respiratory disease and is hospitalized for two weeks. His Lego follows down the same path. His Stark Phone, the one Tony get him, get’s a hard reset and is sold on ebay. His old phone still works, it’s fine. A signed collector’s edition of the original trilogy get’s them through the month, barely.  
  
Peter looks for jobs all over the city he can do after school. He doesn’t care what it is, he just needs something. But most people look at him with a laugh or tells him to come back when he turns 18.  
  
He doesn’t mention anything about the lack of a Christmas tree, or the lack of presents. The microwave Pizza is fine. It’s dry and taste like cardboard, but that’s fine._

_***_

_“Jesus, that cat is violent. Maybe you should get her claws cut down”.  
  
“Not that cat. I just feel on my bike”.  
  
“MJ, you don’t own a bike. We take the subway together every day”.  
  
“Of course, I own a bike Loser. And when was the last time you took the subway anyways?”.  
  
“May doesn’t have the money for it right now”.  
  
“You’re getting skinny”.  
  
“So are you, MJ. So are you”._

_***_

_The young girls cries makes Peter look back over his shoulder. The suit is sweaty and sticking to his skin, scratchy, and he’d do anything to pull of the mask. But he can’t. The criminal is already webbed up against the dumpster in the ally, but it’s too late. Next to the little girl a woman lays, a pool of blood slowly forming under her. The bullet wound is deep.  
  
“Karen, call an ambulance” Peter commands the AI as he places his hands against the wound of the lady. Putting pressure on it, sssshing the young girl. “And ask them to go double speed”.  
  
The blood soaks the hands of the suit so fast, as they stick to Peter fingers. The thin fabric, so wet against his body. But Peter doesn’t faulter. He can’t. Not now. Not now.  
  
Not now. It could cost a life. Don’t give up now, spider-man.  
  
The woman’s eyes are glazed over, so distant. Her skin so pale and white as a sheet. She’s clearly tired, her eyes dropping dangerously low. But it doesn’t stop her from reaching out for her daughter, the young girl still at Peter’s side, still at her mother’s side. The girl who’s tears drip down her cheeks, her breath shallow and rasped.  
  
But the mother tightens her grip around the young girls hand. Squeezing reassuringly. “Mommy will be okay” she whispers, “I’ll be okay. Spider-man is here to help”.  
  
The girl sits down, carefully on the ground. The blood soaking the lower part of her white leggings. Her eyes red and puffy. But she nods at her mother’s words. Her hair hanging down her face, making it impossible for Peter to read her. To see if she’s okay. He’ll just have to hope that this little girl can deal with it. He knows, that’s hard and… he doesn’t even know. He still remembers Ben’s death and he’d been a lot older. But there’s nothing more he can do.  
  
He hopes the woman is right in her words. Spider-man is there to help, but that doesn’t mean she’ll be okay. That doesn’t mean she’ll survive.  
  
The smell of iron hits Peter’s nose as he takes a shutter breath. His body felt with nervousness. A nauseating feeling down his throat, and he’s sure if it weren’t for the little food he’d gotten that day, he’d lose it right then an there. On the ground, next to the bleeding woman.  
  
His hands are shaking as he presses down a little harder. The woman’s breath picking up at little at the pain, but Peter doesn’t have a choice. What if…  
  
What if this woman died tonight? That would be on him. Right?  
  
That’s what Mr. Stark said.  
  
‘What if somebody had died tonight. Different story, right. Cause that would be on you. And if you die… I felt like that’s on me’.  
  
Peter witness as the woman’s eyes flutter shut. As her hand goes limp in her daughters hold. “Mama?” Peter voice get’s a few octaves higher than it should be, “Mama, you need to stay awake. Helps on their way”. Of course, the woman doesn’t answer him. He shakily removes on hand from the wound, placing two fingers out the woman pall wrist and waits.  
  
He’s searching for that little flutter, or that deep heartbeat that should be there. He hopes it’s just really slow, but after almost 30 seconds Peter removes both hands from their spots and switches his position so he leans over the woman.  
  
One hand on the middle of the woman’s chest. The other hand of top of said hand. And push.  
  
One, two, three, four. Staying alive, staying alive. One, Two, three, four. Staying alive, staying alive. The rhythm comes to him easily. He’s been taught this years ago.  
  
He hears and feels the rips breaks under his strength.  
  
Soon enough sirens can be heard in the distance. The girl cries quietly as her mother is hooked up to a heart monitor. As one of the pro’s takes over for Peter. Pushing him aside, getting him to sit down. A blanket placed over his shoulders. The girl pushed to his side, hiding between his arms.  
  
Peter watches as they attempt to shook her back to life.  
  
He watches as they get on the board.  
  
He prays as they start chest compression once more.  
  
Peter cries, as he hears the words. “Time of death. 10:34 am”. The little girl is pulled out of his arms. The woman’s faces is covered up, and she’s pushed into the back. The girl is kept in the front.  
“You alright Spider-man? Hurt anywhere?” Peter shakes his head at the ambulance driver, who’s standing above him, watching. “It isn’t your fault man. If you hadn’t done what you did, we wouldn’t have had a chance. If you need anything, ask for me. I’m David, here to help”-  
  
The ambulance drives away, leaving Peter alone to pick up the pieces.  
  
His fingers run’s over the gun. The cool metal is a nice chance under his touch. And he sighs, looking at the blood that covers the ground.  
  
This is Peter fault.  
  
This is on him._

_***_

_“MJ, you know. If you need to talk to someone, I’m here. I’m always here”.  
  
“I know that loser. I’m fine, though”.  
  
“You keep saying that I don’t believe it anymore. MJ, you don’t have a cat. You don’t own a bike”.  
  
“I told you, I’m fine. I just scared my arm against a door. I’m fine”.  
  
“MJ, wait up. I didn’t mean…”  
  
“Leave me alone, Peter. Please”._

_***_

_“You’ve been quite lately Kid” Tony voice is soft as he plays with Morgan on the floor of the lack house. His new metal arm, replacing his own one, shining in the light of the fireplace.  
  
Peter shrugs, his hands held tightly around the cup of hot chocolate. Has he been quite lately? Peter isn’t if he has. He’s gotten so used to the silence, that maybe… maybe Tony’s right. “I have not” Peter argues weakly, “I’m just thinking”.  
  
“Oh great” Tony exclaims “I’ve been thinking too! And you’ll love this”.  
  
Peter shrugs again but looks up to Tony this time waiting for him to start talking. Sipping quietly of his cup. The drink almost burning his tung, causing him to bit his lip. Tony sighs. “Okay so. I know, I’ve been distant during my recovery. And I’m far from done yet. And we me living this far away from the city I thought, how can I help you to the best of my abilities?” Tony smiles, “So I talked to the team, and they all think you have a lot of potential. So, from next week, you’ll start training with Natasha, also known as Black widow, what should we say… 2 times a week?”.  
  
Peter nods, “That sounds nice. I… I differently need to learn. I’ve got a lot to learn”.  
  
“You’ll get there soon enough Kiddo” Tony smiles, “Soon enough” Tony shrugs. “Anyways. How’s Ned doing? And school? And what about that, scary girl you have a cruse on?”.  
  
“Ned moved Mr. Stark” Peter reminds him. It’s an endless game of reminding him, every time. Bruce says the stone didn’t just affect his body, but his brain too. Tony forgets. Tony’s calculations is wrong. Tony loses his balance.  
  
He’ll heal. Bruce says Tony’s already doing better. It’s fine.  
  
Tony’s eyes widen with realization, “Oh, shit. Sorry kid. I forgot. But May and Michelle, they’re still here, right? They’re good right?”.  
  
Peter sighs, nods. “They perfect. Thanks”. _

_***_

_“Peter” Karen’s voice pulls him of his thoughts, as he looks over the city. Down into the big city, that once felt like home. And now all Peter wants to do it leave. To run. To get away and start over somewhere else. Anywhere else. “Michelle Jones has left a message on your voice mail”.  
  
“Why didn’t you tell me she called?” Peter asks curiously, “I mean, you usually to. Right?”.  
  
Karen pulls up her code on the HUD, “I’m sorry Peter. There appears to be an error in my latest update. Would you like for me to request Mr. Stark to go over it?”.  
  
Peter shakes his head, “No. It’s fine. I’ll take a look myself when we get home. Now Karen, play the message please”.  
  
At first there’s silence. Only the sound of the wind comes through the phone, rasps sobs and heavy breathing. Soon replaced with a small, small voice. MJ’s voice, barely above a whisper. And Peter barely hears it. Barely recognizes it. Because it doesn’t sound like MJ at all.  
  
“Hey” MJ says, “I’ve… I’ve been meaning to talk to you, Pete. For a while now actually… uhm… I…” her voice is so shaky. Heavy, raged, and sad breath between every word. “I… I just wanted to tell you that, It’s done” Peter can feel his heart pick up in speed, adrenaline pumping through his veins, and his eyes flicker over the horizon, hoping not to spot her. “And… I can’t do it anymore. I can’t live… anymore. I’m done fighting. I’m done putting up with this”.  
  
“Those scares…” oh god, oh god, please no. “On my arms… you know they’re not the cat scratches” he does know “You know I didn’t fall of my bike”, and Peter nods to himself remembering the thin lines all over her skin and lower arm. “You know… I didn’t scrap it on the side of the door”.  
  
MJ, Peter thinks… MJ you asked me to leave you alone. Talk to me. Talk to me, please. “You know everything! But… you’d laugh if you knew the truth. I’m scared you won’t… listen. You wouldn’t understand…” But Peter does understand. “But you know how I feel. But you don’t say anything”.  
  
“I’m sorry I’m a disappointment”.  
  
“When you act sad, I ask how you are. And you tell me your fine. I know you’re not fine, and I worry. But when I’m sad? Nothings wrong. Not to you…” Peter wants to scream and cry, that isn’t true. He cares! He cares so much. “Not to them. Not to anybody…”  
  
“I’m sorry it had to be this way. Goodbye”.  
  
Peter can feel the panic bubble under his skin. Deep in his body. And he switches the web containers, because he might not have to do so later if he runs out. It might be too late. “Karen, trace that call. Now!”.  
  
“Already done Peter” and Karan pulls up the HUD pictures. Her coordinates. Security footage from across the street. And Peter see’s her silhouette so high in the skin, her hair hanging over her face. So close to the edge, that the wind could push her down.  
  
And Peter lets go of the build, and he jumps. He picks up speed. He swings. He swings, and swing. Left and right. One web in front of the other. And he begs that he isn’t too late.  
  
He can’t be too late.  
  
And he see’s her. So high in the sky.  
  
And he swing up behind her. And he sees her about to take the final step. “Stop!” Spider-man begs, “Please don’t do this. I promise, this isn’t the way to go”.  
  
“What would you know. I’m just some stranger. You… you don’t know me Spidey”.  
  
And Peter can’t breath as he moves forward. As MJ’s foot goes over the edge. And he sees her fall out of sight. And he jumps forward. He reaches out, and he clasps around her wrist. “I’m won’t let go MJ. Please. Hang on. I… I can’t lose you too”.  
  
MJ voice is small as she looks up, but a little, tiny shimmer of her is in her eyes. “Lo-loser?”.  
  
“I’m right here MJ” Peter nods, “I’m right here. And I’m not leaving”._

***

"I can't take this anymore" Peter repeats, over and over between the different parts of the story. He sobs louder towards the end, as he pulls out the voice mail. The girls voice so frightening. And Natasha, just listens. It hurts. She knows that. She knows he struggles.  
  
So, she holds him tight, as his tears soaks the suits shoulder. The black fabric that sits so close to her skin, wet of tears and sorrow.  
  
She rocks him back and forth as he sobs and cries. As he mumbles he isn’t good enough. As he weakly argues that she’s wasting her time. And she tells him what he needs to hear.  
  
“It’s okay. You can be sad. It’s not easy to be a hero, we all struggle. We all struggle”.  
  
Natasha doesn’t lie to Peter a single time. Only the truth leaves her lips. And she feels Peter slowly calming down, as the sun goes down in the far distance. A reminder of how long they’ve been here. Hours by now. Since Peter came out of school.  
  
“Do you want me to call Tony?” She asks at some point. Peter shakes his head under her chin. Nuzzling a little closer. Seeking out comfort from her. Later he explains.  
  
“I’ve had to remind Mr. Stark that Ned has moved, over 30 times the last month. Multiple times a day when I see him” Peter looks down into the ground. “Sometimes when I come, he looks at me like he doesn’t know who I am. And I care about him, and I see him as a father figure. But it hurts to see him so broken. And then… then some days when he sees me, he thinks I’m a ghost. He thinks he failed, and that I never returned. I can’t put this on him. He can’t know”.  
  
Natasha buys pizza for them that night. She calls Bruce to fix the teen’s nose. And she tugs Peter in at his room at the tower.  
  
She stays till he falls asleep.  
  
And in the morning when he wakes up, there’s freshly baked pancakes in the kitchen. And things might not be better yet, and things might not have changed yet.  
  
But Peter seems just a little less tired when he wakes up.  
  
Like a weight has been lifted of his shoulders.  
  
“I can do this” he tells her, “I just need a little more time. And a little more help”.  
  
Natasha smiles.

**Author's Note:**

> I was inspired by this piece for MJ's call. I'm not sure where it comes from, but I imagen some anime I've yet to see: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x4paMhEYS1s&ab_channel=NightcoreMtb


End file.
